Friday, February 20, 2009

Vicious chimpanzees are suspects in billboard vandalism.

Whitehall. Local residents report seeing two chimpanzees in the vicinity of a vandalized billboard during the late night hours of Thursday February 12 or early morning hours of Friday February 13.

The billboard towering a full thirty-five feet in the air displayed a message on behalf of the Freedom from Religion Foundation. The message urged residents to “praise Darwin” and “evolve beyond belief.”

The billboard also displayed an image of Charles Darwin.

Darwin, now deceased, was English and also author of The Origin of Species, a book treasured by many and ridiculed by others. The plot of the story is usually simplified to say that some men are descended from monkey ancestors..

Local law enforcement officials initially theorized that two men with a ladder were responsible for the damage. Reports of the vicious chimpanzees offered the police an alternate theory to lead their investigation. The chimpanzees could have done the damage without the use of a ladder. This simplifies the investigation for the police because they will not have to find the offending ladder nor will they have to introduce it in evidence to make their case.

As reported in a Suburban News publication, Annie Laurie Gaylor, a high official of the Freedom From Religion Foundation said she called Columbus police when the vandalism was discovered.

Gaylor is also quoted by Suburban News as blaming the damage on “undoubtedly a Bible believer.”

One local resident commented that Gaylor overlooks the likelihood that chimpanzees are responsible for the damage because “she underestimates how smart the little fuzzy fellows are.”

The billboard was rented by the Freedom From Religion Foundation as its response to Whitehall civic leaders who refused in December to remove a Nativity scene displayed at the Whitehall municipal building. The billboard also responded to the city council's later refusal to adopt a resolution recognizing Darwin and astronomer Galileo as scientists.

Darwin's 200th birthday was Feb. 12. Darwin died on April 19, 1882.

The WCRX-LP editorial collective recommends that the Whitehall City Council amend its recently enacted vicious animal ordinance to include specific reference to vicious chimpanzees.

It is sad but true, chimpanzees will have to be made examples and suffer the consequences so that residents of Whitehall can learn the exact birth date of Charles Darwin.

The foregoing parody is based in part on the Suburban News reporting of Kevin Corvo.

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Design is copyright 2009. All rights reserved. Bexley Public Radio Foundation. Text is copyright 2009. All rights reserved. Bexley Public Radio editorial collective, parody subcommittee.

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